Yes, of course! Didn't you know about that? There are flaws in this theory like in any theory ever emited. I am not the typical puppet, you see, for I have a will of my own. Now there are two questions, knowing this... The first - Is it really my will or a simple series of induced thoughts that I think to be my own? And the second - If I really do have a will of my own as God promised from the very beginning, then how can he know what I am about to do now or in 3 days? Many think of his knowledge to be one gigantic tree and the branches are our options. Alright. Another question - Can we really have unlimited options? I find that to be hardly true. Oh, my... Every time I begin to try and answer some questions or establish some sort of pattern of truth for and of myself I sink in a bottomless ocean of questions. I cannot stop thinking just like that. So what is it that I can expect from myself? Ah. But of course! An ocean on top of an ocean on top of an ocean... of questions.
Where is Noa when I need him the most to build me an arch for the flood I will experience all my life? Time is no real help. No real help at all.

*Smiling bitterly, nevertheless...smiling to myself* I want to learn Japanese. This is my conclusion and a way to ignore the oceans. Drowning my mind in useless things.

Yes, of course! Didn't you know about that? There are flaws in this theory like in any theory ever emited. I am not the typical puppet, you see, for I have a will of my own. Now there are two questions, knowing this... The first - Is it really my will or a simple series of induced thoughts that I think to be my own? And the second - If I really do have a will of my own as God promised from the very beginning, then how can he know what I am about to do now or in 3 days? Many think of his knowledge to be one gigantic tree and the branches are our options. Alright. Another question - Can we really have unlimited options? I find that to be hardly true. Oh, my... Every time I begin to try and answer some questions or establish some sort of pattern of truth for and of myself I sink in a bottomless ocean of questions. I cannot stop thinking just like that. So what is it that I can expect from myself? Ah. But of course! An ocean on top of an ocean on top of an ocean... of questions.
Where is Noa when I need him the most to build me an arch for the flood I will experience all my life? Time is no real help. No real help at all.

*Smiling bitterly, nevertheless...smiling to myself* I want to learn Japanese. This is my conclusion and a way to ignore the oceans. Drowning my mind in useless things.

A stoness throw from jerusalem
I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the april moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
Im lost without you Im lost without you
Though all the kingdoms turn to sand
And fall into the sea
Im mad about you Im mad about you

And from the dark secluded valleys
I heard the ancient songs of sadness
But every step I thought of you
Every footstep only you
And every star a grain of sand
The leavings of a dried up ocean
Tell me, how much longer? how much longer?

They say a city in the desert lies
The vanity of an ancient king
But the city lies in broken pieces
Where the wind howls and the vultures sing
These are the works of man
This is the sun of our ambition
It would make a prison of my life
If you become anothers wife
With every prison blown to dust
My enemies walk free
Im mad about you Im mad about you

And I have never in my life
Felt more alone than I do now
Although I claim dominations over all I see
It means nothing to me
There are no victories
In all our histories, without love

A stones throw from jerusalem
A walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the april moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
Im lost without you Im lost without you
And though you hold the keys to ruin
Of everything I see
With every prison blown to dust,
My enemies walk free
Though all the kingdoms turn to sand
And fall into the sea
Im mad about you Im mad about you

...and I am the one to suffer for the errors in her thoughts. But why am I so surprised? Reacing again and again into my deepest melancholic thought... "You are old enough to start doing these things... " - ha... old enough... getting old.... crying.

How is this for the perfect ending of a not so perfect day?

The man on the radio said: "We're all going to Hell. . . . . "

Well, no more doubt there, is there?


*something to go- http://lostinhate.blogspot.com/2006_04_01_lostinhate_archive.html

After reading notes from the past, here is a thought:

A brilliant mind can only be accompanied by profound emotions -
They are hand in hand beyond time.

We are so little compared to the world. We are like a grain of sand on an endless beach and the cold waves of life move us from one place to another in an endless and chaotic order of destiny.


Sometimes life it drags you down
And plays you like a fool
Makes you feel so empty sometimes
It can be so cruel...

"Follow me home" wherever that may be, my love...


When you're feeling all alone
Hear the words that I'm singing to you, oh
Like a seed that has been sown
As you grow, I will protect you

I wont walk away... I'll stand by your side the rest of our lives...

Man shows his nobelest self in his moments of pain, suffering, sorrow... in the face of dispair and destruction whatever that may mean. And so it seems to me the Murphy's Laws can be applied once again in this irony of a game we call life -

"Smile!!! Tomorrow is going to be worse"

I simply cannot believe it. Tears have been spilled for the eng of this chapter from the book of my life. High-school is oficially over. No more late for classes, no more cheated test papers, no more simpathetic teachers... no more skipping classes. It is so tragically true that one values something at its true value once he has lost it... I have said melancholic farewells to everyone dear or with whom I had quarrels over the years and the final thought is that indeed... these last four years have been a true pleasure. **Thank you, everyone... thank you so much! I will never forget you.. and hope you will not forget me either...**

Tears still fall down my cheeks as this thought comes back in melancholic waves over me, but I do not want them to stop. I can say with my hand over my heart that now is the moment when all I have felt all this time is concentrated in just a fre minutes. How deliciously painful.. to almost sense how time passes by me, not giving me a chance to .. smile. Why must it be so cruel? Why must everything be so innocently fragile... that mere seconds seem to be breaking at our touch. Then we gather the peaces... and hold them forever as memories. ..

I will not be looking forwar to my future just yet... I...will .. just... linger on this present moment.. and live the beautiful past.. again... and again.. and again...

If only I knew... ... all the things I learned today.

There has been quite a while now and her and me are not really understanding eachother. How is this possible that for years we were perfectly matched and now we don'e even understand eachother's words? I fear we are lost. I fear that all that has been beautiful and pure between us is slowly withering and fading.

"You win some, you lose some... you cannot have both"

Since when? Why must life be so damn black and white when there are multiple shades of grey or even more...colors! Life wasn't and could never be simply black and white. The simple ingnoration of the grey shades cast upon our milk and honey relationship into the shadows. Into the darkness where we cannot see, hear or feel eachother. I don't want this! I dislike this with my entire being! I want things to be the same as they were... but...I guess it doesn't really make a difference what I want now, does it?
In her eyes... I am the evil do-er. I am the villain that brought tears and sorrow... but what did I do, exactly, so bad to make her feel so bad when I myself am so fond of her? Tonight, the end of "our deep" us has taken place among us.
I love her...and I hate her. And she feels the same about me. At least we still have that in common.

Friday Night - The Girl's night out.

There is a very funny tale behind the title, oui. Thing have not been going as well as I wanted them to go lately. I am getting along just fine with the idea that things cannot always be as we want them, but this is the drop that filled the glass of that afternoon.

My best friend and I were to go to the Filarmmonica for a concert. I was anxious and thrilled to live again the beautiful palalisys effect the music had on me, to get once again lost in my own thoughts and in the labirynth of my feelings. I was waiting for her in front of the building. Sitting there I saw someone I care very much with another girl by his side... My heart went on a one way trip to my throught. Next! Furious of what my eyes had seen earlier I was in a terrible mood for foolish revenge and I noticed a very elegant young man waiting somewhere near. He approached me slightly and as I was in a whirl of thoughts, he moves his eyes to my left. Curious as always, I turned my eyes in the same direction to see the best student of my class heading towards him, kissing his lips and going inside.
I remained outside, still waiting. Desperately I was trying to reach my friend, to hear her voice and end feeling so alone and exposed as I felt. She did not want to answer my calls because [I later found out that...] she could not.
The line of events was not yet over... As I waited, a young man with a familiar face passed by me. Paying more attention to his figure I was surprised to find out that he was the brother of one of my ex's whom I really...really did not want to see. Fortunately, he did not notice me.

Finally she arrived and started acusing me that I dod not go and buy tickets while I waited, knowing that she was late. We both went inside, but the ticket lady informed us there were no more seats. So much for the exquisit thrill of music.
We decided to skip the concert this week and go for a drink in a very elegant place, called Boema. As we stood at out table, enjoying our drink and talking about the unfortunate events, we realised we both were in the mood for non-christian things. The perfect place in the world for such a thing is none other than Rockoteche [a dark club where all the rockers gather, socialize and listen to varieties of rock, especially black-rock, death-rock, doom-rock and sometimes gothic]. I told my best friend that I really was in the mood for something crazy and that is to pick up someone from that obscure place. I was in the mood for evil.
We went in, sat at a table where more were gathered with the beers in front of them and gaze lost in the mist of music and darkness. With devilish eyes, I looked around trying to find someone appropriate for this event... and there he was. Standing on the floor, sorrounded by his friends, drinking beer and smoking. I noticed him some while back for the simple fact that he looked at me and said - "You are Dracula's daughter, right?". A nice player for a nice night. I wanted a kiss from him that night no matter what and honestly I was almost sure he would then want even more than that.
I went to him, said hi and started talking... After a while I whispered into his ear "I want to kiss you" and giving the most charming smile. He looked back at me with childish!! eyes and replied "I'm sorry, but ...uhm..I am not refusing you right now..but... I am tired of one night relationships... ". GLadly I was sitting down when I heard that, otherwise I am sure I would have fallen flat on my back.
Yes. So much for devil works... All I wanted was a kiss, a simple kiss... and he offers a long term relationship... and he is who he is.

But the time came to go home. On the way, my best friend was angry at me because I had left her aloner, not caring, though we spoke even from the beginning what we were supposed to do. She told me that she is not me and that she will never be as attractive as me, as nice.. or as sociable as me. She always compared herself to me when we are completely different persons. She still is mad at me and envyous...with no reason. There never was a real reason, but she likes to hate and love at the same time and there is nothing I can do but give her what she wants and maybe one day things will be different. I am looking forward to that day...

Here I am...again. Deja vu. I sincerely think I have said this before. Oui, I find myself over and over in many radically different situations. Oui, mon amour, c'est la vie. Its richness scares me at times so utterly that really... I get scattered into millions of pieces. God has to come time and time again into the picture and put me back together... And she told me to make Confessions at the Church tomorrow morning. Mais, non, madmoiselle. There is nothing but life and beauty, which are pure divnity.

But let's cut the dreamy images and get dramatically back to reality. Me and him are over. Well, again, I had to look at the bright side of things in order to survive the 'heart attacks'... and this time it was something like - it is the first time I had a real motive to break up with someone - whitch made it a lot easier, fast and painless. That is painless for me. I honestly do not know about him... but I trust he wasn't the wreck I thought he would be.

Now, for the first time in two full years I am single... Yes, I'm blushing. Not exactly single. There are a couple of faces in my life... mais, where would be the fun if they also fanished?... there we go. I must learn to live on my feet again... I will..and probably do better than just that...